V is for Vanity

It’s not been a good year.

This should be the part where I elaborate, list all that’s happened, but what, really, is the point? Something is done, I fall, I get up again, I continue onward. The only other option is death, and I already know that’s just another round of falling and getting back up.

I am getting very tired of an obvious curse, at least. The source is obvious, the goal is obvious, and yet I avoid it mainly by the skin of my teeth. It was frightening, once; now I’m just weary of it. I will not die, I insist, but I already know this persistent obsession has no end.

I am reasonably sure that most pagans would counter-curse long before this stage, and perhaps they would be justified. But I worry too much about the morality of it, the collateral damage to others and warping it would do to me. I do not want to harm any innocent with shrapnel.

So I focus my efforts on survival, and much falls to the wayside while I do it. My faith remains solid. My practice falls to the internal. The oneiromancy has run completely wild—for the past week I’ve found myself haunted by an omen of warning for someone else that will not leave me alone, even though I am certain that I am the least welcome vehicle for its delivery.

If it was that important, I tell myself, it would be given to someone he actually wants to speak with.

A friend can discard unpleasant prophecy out of fear of rejection, is the counterpoint. You have nothing to lose. His opinion of you cannot be worse.

I don’t even want to speak with him, I remind myself. It’s exhausting just to be around him.

Is your own convenience reason enough to let someone potentially make a grave mistake that will hurt themselves and others?

He rules his own fate, I remember. It is not my job to save anyone. That’s just vanity pretending to be honor. He has the right to his own choices, and the right to his own mistakes.

That, so far, is enough to bolster myself to hold back. I doubt, and worry, but I stand firm. I have my own life to live, my own problems to deal with, my own curses to dispel and my own omens to watch for. If I have not been invited, then dreams or no dreams, it is not my place.


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